How Many Yellow Flags Does It Take Before You Get To A Red Flag?

Every woman has the "red flag" conversation with their friends. You know the conversation, the one where she tells you all the not so great things about the person she is seeing. "He doesn't have a college degree. He lives with his parents. He still talks to his ex-girl friend". Now there are varying degrees of "red flags", my friends and I like to call them "yellow flags." It's more of a caution flag rather than an "end it right now because he's bad news" flag.

Well Andy's "yellow flags" are adding up. On top of the things I mentioned in my last post, he had said some things I not really ok with. Making a homophobic joke about a man he saw in the grocery store... Yellow Flag. Posting an offensive picture on his MySpace page that makes fun of the LGTB community... Yellow-Orange Flag. Referring to different ethnic groups by stereotypes... Orange Flag. Stating that he"should be black" because on hislove of fried chicken, ribs, watermelon, and white women... Red Flag.

You might be thinking that I'm being too sensitive about the subject and that it's ok for men to say inappropriate things. Yeah... that's not really how I roll. I don't think any of things he's said are ok. You might come back saying, well maybe he didn't know any better. Really? You are 27 years old and you don't know its not ok to sterotype people? Whoa... how did you get into college in the first place? Sorry for getting on my soapbox.

As I write this post, I think I've realized what I have to do. I have to end it. I clearly have an issues with the things he said (if it's not clear, please read this post again). I'm not sure how I'm going to end it or what exactly I'm going to say... I just know I have to. Oh, the drama!

So how many yellow flags does it take before you get to a red one? In my case 4, but just like the number of licks it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop... you just never know.

Dating Via Text Message?

Is that even really dating? I am normally against conversations via text message and most people know this about me. If the conversation is over 5 text message back and forth... then we should talk on the phone. With this guy it was different, the texts were like mini conversations that we would carry on all day.

Let me backup. I met this guy about a month ago while I was at the bar with friends. His name is Andy aka "Txt Guy". He seemed like a nice guy. He was cute (or at least I remember thinking he was cute) and he bought me a beer. We exchanged numbers and last names. He texted me the next days and we've been texting ever since. Oh and we're friends on MySpace.

So back to the text messages.... recently, the conversations have become a chore. When my phone beeps, I hope that it's not him. I know what you're thinking, its because of James. It's not because of James. I've been thinking about this for over a week. My responses have been less frequent and I'm "busy" so I can't text all day. There have also been some "red flags". He doesn't really have a job. He has "lot of options" that include a house painting business, construction work, and steel work. He didn't finish college and isn't really planning on going back. He lives with him mom in the country or what he calls "hillbilly heaven". Please know, that I am not a snob. High maintenance, yes but snob, no. If you like the country then more power to you, it's just not really for me.

The biggest red flag is that he hasn't asked me out. We met the one time but he hasn't really mentioned getting together again. I mean he'll ask me what I'm doing during the day but when I say I'm free he doesn't really say anything back. We just end up texting all night. Again, I know what you're thinking... he's got someone else but I really don't think so. I just don't get that vibe from him.

I'm not really sure what to do. I know I need to just end it, especially if I'm not really into it anymore. I just feel bad. Like what do I say? I don't like talking to you anymore so stop texting me? I think I'll sleep on it and possibly return the text message he sent me over 12 hours ago.

A Date or Not A Date? That Is The Question…

I'm slight confused by my most recent interaction with James. Last Sunday (two days after we hooked up), James and I went to dinner. Let me back up and explain how this dinner came about. Sunday afternoon I was doing some Christmas shopping at the mall near James's place. I sent him a text message saying that I was doing some shopping near his place and I wanted to see if he would like to grab something to eat. After an exchange of text messages, we met at Fridays a few hours later. While waiting for our waitress, we chatted about the rest of our weekend and our holiday plans. Before we ordered I asked James what he was thinking of getting. He said he wasn't hungry since he ate at 4 (it was now 6:30), so he was just going to get an appetizer. If he wasn't hungry, why did he agree to join me for dinner? Our conversation the rest of the evening was very first date-esq. We talked about family, friends, work, sports... very casual. We finished our meal and the waitress asked if we were together for separate. James didn't respond. In a panic, I said separate. I wasn't going to say together because I wasn't sure if we were, in fact, together. I didn't NEED him to pay for my dinner, I can pay for my own chicken sandwich.

Anyway back to my story... we left the restaurant, walked to our cars and began to part ways. I fumbled around my extremely large purse searching for my keys. During the fumble (sidebar: I knew exactly where my keys were), he said if I wasn't doing anything tonight that I could come over. I said yes. I followed him back to his place to watch a movie.

Well, a movie turned into three movies and me spending the night (no cookies). During the movies, we talked a little. He asked me how I felt about the other night and wanted to make sure we were ok. I said, would I have texted you today if we weren't? I should have asked, but I didn't, why he responded to my text if he wasn't hungry. We also had the "we work together" talk and both agreed our co-workers (especially those who like to gossip) don't need to know anything. I left the next morning and said see you at work...which I did. I texted him on Tuesday before I felt town, wishing him safe travels and a happy holiday. He responded, thanks. You too.

My question still remains, was Sunday a date? Does he like me? Was it just a one/two night thing? I know I'm asking lots of questions but I'm not looking to put my heart in this if he is just looking for friends with benefits. If you recall, I just got rid of one of those. What are your thoughts?

He Was Fresh, Like Summer Peaches.

sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy. love rain. love rain down on me. -Jill Scott http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=labSYQ7RBQY

There's a new guy. I know what you're thinking... I just ended things with Marc. This one isn't my fault, he just kind of happened. This name is James aka "Mos Def". He reminds me of Mos Def... kind of dorky but smooth at the same time.

Let me start from the beginning...James is friends with the fellas I've been hanging out with from work. He works for the same company I do but we don't work in the same department. Now I've noticed James at work before but we've never really talked before. I thought he was cute but let's be honest, I find most men attractive. Anyway... the "Fellas" and I went to Happy Hour last Thursday. We went to one of my favorite bars and had some great beer. I was halfway through my Hoegaarden (a delicious beer btw) and in walks James (just as beautiful as I remember). He introduces himself to me and we continue to drink. Four hours and three bars later, he was my new bff. We are talking and laughing about everything. I am totally being myself and saying anything. I am completely focus on being his FRIEND and nothing more. I wasn't putting the moves on or trying to be super cute about things. At the end of the night we part ways and all was good.

The next day I see James and the Fellas at our company Christmas party. It's not really a party. We are forced to talk to random people, eat crappy food, and sing Christmas songs. At the party, we discuss getting some drinks later that night. We pick this dive bar near our apartments that serves 40oz beers for $5. Can I just tell you how long its been since I had a 40? Too long and as a 27 year old, I should not be drinking 40s... its dangerous. After our first round of 40s, James mentions that if he drinks anymore he won't be able to drive home. The Fellas and I all live in same apartment complex so they picked me up (I love men who volunteer to drive my drunk ass around). The Fellas tell James that we live around here and that he can stay with one of us. I agree, saying you can crash at any of our places. He says cool and we start on our second round of 40s. Just like the night before, James and I are hitting it off. We're talking, laughing and having a great time. It's nearing 2:00am and the bar is going to close soon. Our DD says he's getting tired so we decide to leave. The DD drops the closest guy off first and James doesn't go with him. I'm the next stop. The DD pulls up to my building and I look at James. I say "Are you staying at my place or the DD's?" James says he's tired so he's just going to get out here. I say that's fine and we go in.

Before I say anymore... I really thought he was going to slept on my couch. Remember I was trying my best to just be friends with him. We hang out in my living room for awhile, watching TV and talking. Somewhere between getting him a blanket and changing into my pajamas, we started kissing. I'll stop there. Needless to say, he didn't stay on the couch that night but we didn't have cookies. I am very proud of myself for not having cookies. I'm not that kind of girl... well anymore that is.

He is like a breath of fresh air in my life. He is beautiful, uncomplicated and tells me what he's thinking (like how he wanted to kiss me on Thursday but didn't want to come off like a creep). We hung out on Sunday but that's a story for another post...

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

It's been 6 days and no word. I am officially done. He is deleted from my phone, email. IM, MySpace, and Facebook. I'm not mad, just disappointed. Maybe I expected too much from him. Maybe I set myself up for this one, knowing never well if wouldn't respond. Maybe I shouldn't have given him and out. Maybe I shouldn't have given him another chance.

Maybe, maybe, maybe... its over now, so second guess everything isn't really helping, is it? Alright,time to move on. Goodbye Marc.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing day 4

Nothing. I broke down and sent him an IM simply asking if he has received my facebook message. No response... tomorrow I will delete and be done.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing day 3

Still no response... surprise, surprise. I'm kind of at the point where I want to call or text. I've been advised not to by a number of friends. I'm just not sure what to do... I don't want to push but I don't want to let fall without saying something. I can last two more days.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing day 2

Once again there was a status change but no response to my message. I think I might be giving up sooner than Sunday...

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

It's been over 24 hours since I sent "the message" to Marc... no response. I was on facebook this afternoon minding my own business when my live feed updated. Marc had changed his status to say work then work party. Stupid live update! I can assume that he read the message. Now, I know what you are thinking... assuming things makes an ass out of you and me. You are also probably thinking I am reading way too much into this. Welcome to my head and the little voice inside that is really had to shut off. I told myself yesterday I would give him a week. If there is no response by then, I'm done. DELETE and be over it!

I'm so not going to last a whole week. I've decided to move that time frame up to Sunday. That's still 5 days for him to make a pro/con list or whatever guys do in this kind of situation. I'm trying not to regret sending "the message". I hope it's just the waiting that's getting to me. If you can't tell, I'm not very patient.

I just need to remember... what is meant to be, will be. Sam and Betty know what they're doing.

Time To Fish Or Cut Bate

I came to the realization today that I still have feelings for Marc aka "Valentine's Day". I’ve been lying to myself for awhile, saying that I don’t want to be in a relationship with him but the truth is I think do. I’m tired of second guessing our interaction and reading too much into his facebook posts. So I decided to tell him how I feel and what I want. Since the man never answers his phone or texts, I had not choice but to use the only method of communication I know he will read... a facebook message. Under normal circumstances I would never use facebook to tell someone how I feel about them, however, it’s all I got. Below you will find the message I left for him. Again, I am normally more eloquent but it’s a facebook message...how earth shattering can it really be? I will keep you posted on his response. I just keep telling myself...what is meant to be, will be.

So this might be coming out of left field for you but I’ve been doing some thinking. With the passing of my grandmother and other family issues, I’ve begun to look at things differently. I’ve realized that I still have feeling for you. I’ve attempted to suppress these feelings for months but for some crazy reason I can’t seem to get you out of my head. I’m not saying let’s be together and spend 24/7 with each other... neither of us are like that. I’m saying let’s give this dating thing another chance. We are good for each other.

If you don’t feel the same way I do or can’t see us trying to date, I understand but know that it will change things. I can’t just be friends with you, it’s too hard. I enjoy the time we spend together but I am always left questioning our interactions. I can’t do that anymore.

I guess I’m just asking you to think about it. I don’t expect an immediate response but if I don’t hear from you in the next few days, I’ll assume you don’t feel the same way I do.

If he calls/texts/IMs/ emails after 10pm, it's a booty call.

Yesterday I was booty called by Matt otherwise known as "Re-return". I got home from a marathon shopping trip with my friend, J, in Cincinnati. I left my apartment at 9:00am and didn't return until after 8:00pm... like I said, a marathon. When I get home, I change into my pajamas and cuddle up on the couch with my computer. I sign into google to check my mail and almost instantly Matt IMs me. (Sidebar: I deleted Matt's information from my phone/email/facebook awhile back. Trust me, it's better that I don't have his contact information.) I look at the name and I know its Matt (even though I deleted it, doesn't mean I don't recognize it). We small chat for a bit, attempting to catch up when all along I know what he's waiting to ask me... "so what are you up to tonight?" I explain I just got done shopping and that I was watching TV. I ask him what he's up to and he responds... "nothin'. Just having a beer and being horny" pause for a few seconds "you want to come over? I know you want to suck my dick." The message was sent at 10:16pm.

I respectfully declined his offer to "suck his dick". He asked if I was offend by his upfront-ness. I said I wasn't and that I wasn't in the mood for a booty call. He explained it wasn't a booty call but just an opportunity for us to have some "fun" together(...aka a booty call). I explain again I wasn't angry or put off my his offer, I merely wasn't in the mood to do anything, much less him. We chatted for a little bit after but he eventually trailed off towards the end of our conversation. My guess is that he found another girl to accept his lame booty call invitation. I give him another few weeks before I get the same message. Will I ever give in to his lame booty call attempts? At this point, probably not but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't before.

Anyway...the moral of the story is: if he contacts you after after 10pm... it's a booty call.

The Importance of Having Male Friends You Don’t Want To Sleep With.

So I've been hanging out with two of my male coworkers... both of who I have no romantic interest in. We just like to hangout and drink a few beers. It is purely innocent, we are just friends. My female friends tell me I need to stop being friends with my exs. I somewhat agree with that statement but I still think its ok to hangout with an ex every once and awhile. Anyway back to my new male friends. They are nice guys and the can seem to hold their beer...always a plus in any male companion. Between they two of them, they have an extensive sports, computer, electronic, and automobile knowledge. I think I'm going to like having male friends that I have no iterest in sleeping with.

Another One Bites The Dust

I just finished talking to "MySpace Guy" (whose name I'm changing to Ass-bag). For the last two weeks he's been asking me to send him pictures of myself. Each time I say, all the picture I have are on MySpace. He would get frustrated at my response but I would normally change the subject and everything would be ok. I was talking to him tonight on AIM and again he asked me for new "fun" pictures. I again responded, all my pictures are on MySpace. He starts going off on me about how I'm a bitch that only talks to him when I'm board or have nothing else to do. I reminded him that I've been busy with family for the past week. He says that I am using my Grandmother's death as a crutch and that he is tired of hearing about it. After screaming at my computer, I calmly said "I don't think this is going to work out for us. I wish you the best". He typed back "FUCK YOU". I clearly made the correct choice in saying goodbye. He then continued to tell me that all girls he talks to were the same. I asked him if he ever thought it was him and not the girls. Maybe I was being a little bitchy but I thought it was a reasonable question. He say fuck you again then called me fat... real mature. From the beginning, I had a feeling it wasn't really going to work. I mean who picks people up on MySpace? Is MySpace the new bar and no one told me?

Anyway, my grandma always told me take a chance for love... so I did and got an ass-bag instead of love. No biggie... there are more fish in the sea and on MySpace.

If I delete it from my phone…

... does that mean it didn't happen? I hope so. Here's the story: I was innocently checking my Facebook when I came across my FWB facebook status. It said "I like being single but I'm really feeling it tonight". My first thought was...well if you wanted a girlfriend, you could have one. Then I thought, maybe I should call him... I don't have to work tomorrow. So I did the next best thing and texted him. I asked if he wanted to meet for a drink since I didn't have to work tomorrow. It was at 9:30 so clearly there was enough time to go grab a drink. After I sent the text I remembered that he doesn't text (I know! Who doesn't text?). So I waited for a few then I called. He didn't answer (he never answers) so I left a rambley message about remembering that he doesn't text and that I was calling to see if he wanted to grab a drink. I rambled some more and mentioned going to a movie this weekend. After I hung up the phone, I immediately regretted calling. So I did the only thing I could... I deleted the sent text message and his number from my call log. So again I ask the question...if I deleted it, does that mean it didn't happen?

p.s. I haven't heard back from him and knowing him...I won't.

Maybe I Should Back Up...

... and explain a few things. I've been actively dating for over 2 years, meaning I've dated a fair number of fellas. My friends rarely remember their names so often times they are blessed with nicknames. Here is a brief list of these men and their nicknames. Note: The nicknames have not been changed but their first names have been.

• Erik or "Ass-Bag previously known as MySpace Guy": This is some random guy who is using MySpace to pick girls up. He is cute but he isn't the best speller and coming from me, that's not good. We've exchanged a few messages but nothing has "wowed" me.
• Matt or "Rereturn": I met Matt last March but nothing ever came of it. He resurfaced in my life a month or so ago. We went on two dates but he "just looking for fun"... if you know what I mean.
• Chris or "Putt-Putt": He is my most resent ex. We dated for almost 5 months. I broke up with him for a number of reason. He says he is still in love with me and wants to get back together. I'm still not sure. We still talk and we had coffee together a few weeks ago.
• Jonathan or "Bad Taste in Music Guy": We went on one very awkward date where I faked a stomachache to avoid dinner. (That lie messed up my dating karma for weeks).
• Brandon #2 or "Troy Guy #2": I stumbled across Brandon #2 while searching for Brandon #1. We hit it off and talked everyday for almost 3 weeks. When decided to meet and he stood me up. I called and gave him a piece of my mind...oh yeah I was THAT girl.
• Marc or "Valentines Day": Marc and I really hit it off and dated for a month or so. He is going to school and working full time. He claimed he didn't have time for a girlfriend. Since our mini-break up in March, we've been FWB. Sometimes I wish it was more but then I realize that he would be a bad boyfriend.
• Josh or "Military Guy": Josh was a rebound guy. There isn't much to say.
• Chad or "Star Trek": I never met Chad. I met him through this sketch dating site. He seemed like a nice guy but he liked Star Trek a little too much.
• Kris or "Bartender #1": Kris was like cayenne pepper. He burned me every time but I never learned my lesson. He could have been the one but he wasn't in the right place to be. He moved to FL to finish law school in September. We've remained friends.
• Brandon #1 or "The Artist":Brandon was perfect. He had red hair (I have a thing for redheads) and amazing eyes. He was getting his masters in art and he thought I was beautiful. We went out a few times then he disappeared... that crushed me and took me awhile to get over him.
• Mike #2 or "Box Boy": Box Boy worked in a box factory and he had dreams of being a punk band promoter...enough said.
• Mike #1 or "Navy Guy": Mike #1 was a few years younger than me. He was one of those guys who was "just looking for fun". It was fun while it lasted but he was a little too childish for me. He also liked to give hickeys and that was not a good look in the summer.
• Dave or "D-Bag Dave": I started seeing Dave the summer before I moved to Ohio. He was a good guy but was a little lost when I came to life goals. We had "the talk" before I moved. We decided to try and make it work. After a week, I was the only one trying so I stopped calling him.

Now there are two men I haven't mentioned. These men and I go aways back and they are both still in my life... as friends. They live across the country from me and I often find myself wondering that if I moved back to where they are, would it work. Many of my friends don't like these two fellas and for good reason. My friends have comforted me through years of heartache & heartbreak with these guys and more than a few times they've fished me out of a bottle of cheap wine. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I will ever be fully over either of them.

The Clock Has Offically Begun to Tick

Every Monday I have dinner with my friend/coworker and her family. Her husband is hilarious and always talks sports with me. Her two children (Clara 4 and Elliot 2) are so adorable and always say "Miss" before my name. Dinner is always an adventure with the children. Elliot runs around the dining room and Clara always talks my ear off about her day at school. After dinner we head to the Ice Cream Shop and get some delicious treats. Clara always gets cookie dough and Elliot always ends up wearing his ice cream. Spending time with her family is what gets me through Mondays.

Tonight we were walking back to our cars and we had to cross the street. Clara was standing next to me on the street corner. Before the light changed Clara grabbed my hand and said "will you hold my hand when I cross the street?" My hearted instantly melted to reveal my biological clock. As we crossed the street I swear I heard it start to tick. Oh man... I mean I know I want kids but I thought I had a few more years for the clock started going off. On my drive home I started thinking about my ex (we will call him... Chris otherwise known as Putt-Putt) and what would happen if I give him another chance.

Before we get into that...maybe I should back up and explain a few things.