I hate...

...the fact that I don't actually hate him or any of them for that matter. There is a long list of men in my life who I should hate, in fact, I should despise them. They are assholes who jerk women around then bolt at the fist sign of "feelings". Why can't I just let these guys go? They are like those pants you have in the back of your closet that don't fit anymore. You keep them around, sometimes for years, in hopes that one day they will fit again. Am I keeping these guys around in hopes that they "fit again"? Whoa! I just had a mini-breakthrough. We will go back to this topic later.

The "him" that inspired this post is James. I'm so over his mixed messages. We have hour long texting conversations filled with witty banter and flirty quips. I do like talking to him. I just hate the way I feel about him. I wish we never would have hooked up. I really would just like to be friends with him...but all I do is think about how I so want to be more than just friends. I am always left at the end of our conversation confused and wondering if he wants more too. I should just get up the nerve to ask him. I mean the worst thing that would happen is that he has no idea what I'm talking about and thinks I'm crazy? I mean I could be crazy but that is besides the point. How do I go back to just wanting to be friends with James? Can I ever go back? I have before but that took years.

Sidebar: Let's be real honest for a second... if that guy called and told me want to be with me... I would jump at the chance. Oh yeah, he is definitely one of those pairs of pants in the back of my closet that I wish still fit.

So...what do I do about James?

Cleaning Out My Dating Closet

I've been doing some cleaning today. I mopped my kitchen floor, did some laundry, and deleted some guys from my life.

I finally broke things off with Andy. I was nice and tactful or at least that was my intent. I told him that it seemed like we were drifting apart because we are both busy people. I followed that up with maybe if we were in different places in our lives, things could be different. Now, this is all true. We are drifting apart because I've stopped texting him back all the time. I am always busy and by "things could have been different", I mean if you weren't raciest... maybe this could have worked out. He hasn't responded but I don't really see him doing that... he doesn't like confrontation.

I'm also attempting to delete Chris from my life...again. We broke up at the end of August. It was a clean break with little drama (if you don't count that fact that he cried). I made the mistake of ripping that wound open in November when I suggested we have coffee. He said he still loved me and I said I just wanted to be friends. Well... it turns out I lied. I don't really want to be friends. We've been emailing back and forth since the coffee meeting but he's been emailing more frequently these days. I haven't quite figured out how to let him down...again...but I'm working on it. My emails are getting shorter and less frequent. I hope he's getting the idea. I'll keep you posted on this one.

Update on Marc

I thought long and hard about what to do with Marc's message. Can I really be friends with him after all this? What do I say in return? How do I really know if he changed and will be a better friend?

On Wednesday I finally decided what I was going to do. Nothing. I wasn't going to do anything. I don't have the time or energy for Marc... so I deleted the message. I haven't looked back since. Goodbye yet again Marc.

Church Girl

It turns out James wants a "church girl" and I apparently I'm not "churchy" enough for him. This is fine. Most people I know wouldn't use the word church to describe me. Nothing against church girls... I do go to church, I guess I'm just not a wholesome as normal church girls. Again this is fine. I don't want to be a church girl. I like being me. I like being a edgy while still maintaining my composure and professionalism (when needed).

I'm ok with just being friends with James. It seems we are better this way. I can make an exception to my only friends with guys I'm not attracted to rule, right? I mean I only half wish we didn't make out... he's a really great kisser.

How Do They Always Know?

I finally heard back from Marc... 21 days later. He sent me the following facebook message, subject line: Hey...

Sorry I never responded back. I honestly didn't know what to say. I can understand if you can't just be my friend, but I hope you will.

What the fuck? I am so angry. I just stopped thinking about him. I was getting over him and all of his games. I was ok with no response. I had deleted everything. I hadn't checked his facebook page in two weeks. I was moving on.

How do guys ALWAYS seem to know when you are moving on and not thinking about them 24/7? Is there a secret device men have in their head the goes off right when their ex is about to move on? This is not the first time this has happened to me and I doubt it will be the last. I really don't get it. Can someone explain it me? Where can I get one of those devices? Are they just for me?

I haven't responded back to Marc's message. All I want to do is scream at him but that is not productive and I don't want to be "that girl". I have no desire to be with him or to be his friend. I'm just trying to figure how to say that in a seemly nice way... if it even can be. One things for sure, I'm going to make him wait.

I'll keep you posted on my response.