Serendipitous

Serendipitous- the propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated.

I found that in my search for happiness I have come across many serendipitous things...including the word serendipitous. I have found that I really enjoy pop-country music. I am instantly happier when it comes on the radio in the car and I sing at the top of lungs. My personal favorite it Sugarland's All I Want To Do. The beat is super catchy and I love it. I have found that I LOVE my hair short. For a variety of reasons I was really worried about cutting it. It's so freeing to have short hair! I also love that it doesn't take me an hour to get ready in the morning...who knew I actually didn't like spending all the time getting ready. I have found that I really like going to the gym. It makes me feel so much better after I get my butt kicked for 30 min. I've started making it a priority again and I can tell a difference.

Overall things are looking up and I'm really enjoying myself.

There Is A Reason The Name Brandon...

...is on the "No Date" list. He is officially my last Brandon. If your name is Eric(k), Mike, Michale, Brandon, or Matt...please keep on moving. Thank you and have a nice day.

It's Thursday and I still haven't heard anything from Brandon. Surprisingly, I'm okay. I officially deleted him number on Monday. (Sidebar: I did give his number to my friend just in case I needed it for some reason. Even if I asked for it, I have a feeling she wouldn't give it to me. She's a good friend!). I spoke with my mentor on Sunday and my counselor on Tuesday...both of them think its for the better. They also think I might not hear from him again.

I'm a little torn by the situation. For some crazy reason, I still care about him. I want to know he is doing okay and that something terrible didn't happened. On the other hand, my life has been so much less stressful since he has left it. I don't have to worry if he will call or not. I don't have to worry if he is going to shut down and not talk to me for three days. Maybe one day I'll hear from him again or maybe I won't. I will take what I've learned for this relationship and move on.

The new guy, Doug, is a good guy. We are still in the email stages so no need to rush anything. I'm a little nervous to get into something...again...but you have to get back out there, right?

Deleted

I did something bold this morning and deleted my online dating profile. At this point in my life, it was more of a toxin than anything. Truth be told, I’m very glad it’s gone. I needed to be rid of the constant reminder of my failed relationships. I feel good about it.

Update on my last post: I never hear anything from Brandon. I texted him again around midnight asking what happened. I have yet to hear from him and its almost noon. I know now that I can’t do this. I cannot have romantic relationship with him. I need something stable in my very crazy and unstable life. I also need to be a priority in that person’s life. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to Brandon when he calls…that is if he ever calls. I need to take this experience for what it was and move on. I would consider being friends with Brandon but I’m not totally sure about that either.

On a positive note, I have been talking to a new guy. Its only been a week so I’m not jumping the gun. He seems nice and we have a lot in common. I told him I was deleting my profile so we will see what he has to say.

Don’t worry…I’m taking it very slow. I need to be a little selfish for awhile.

Isn't As Easy As I Thought

This happiness thing isn't as easy as I thought. I've been sucked into old habits that are proving to die hard. I know I just need to keep pushing through. The support from friends has been great and they are excited to help me along on my journey of happiness.

I made dinner tonight for two of my guy friends. They are amazing men who are like brothers to me. We had Yellow Pepper Chili and some Garlic Nahn. The chili was great and they didn't even know it was low fat! I used Weight Watcher cheese as a garnish and they had no clue. They were helping me clean up and one said...you fed us low fat cheese! I have no idea! It was funny. We sat around after dinner and watch some great college football. Go ND! Anyway…they are both really supportive of my lifestyle change and they only want the best for me. Overall it was a great dinner with great people.

They guys left around 7pm so I could ready for my date with Brandon. It seems that the planets finally aligned and we are going to see each other. Well…that is what I thought. He sent me a weird text message around 5pm saying he was stuck somewhere for an hour or two. I texted him back asking what he was talking about. We had tentative plans to see a movie around 8. It’s 9:30pm. I called his cell and no answer. I’m just sitting here wondering why I’ve let myself get into this mess. I’m not sure what I should do. I say a lot of things but some are very very hard to follow through with. Like I said before, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to end it. I will update you on what happens.

Breathe…I pushing through whatever this funk is and hoping it gets a little easier.

Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong thing...

I’ve taken a good, long look at my life these past few days. I’m not who I thought I would be. I rarely find myself smiling and I’m often in a surly mood. I’m not laughing anymore and I spend most of my time with friends over disusing my terrible love life. I don’t want to live my life this way, always angry or upset. I know something is missing and I’ve racking my brain trying to figure out what that is.

I think its happiness.

Happiness is a simple concept. Be happy. Enjoy life. Do things you enjoy. Be around people who bring out your inner happy.

I’m not enjoying my life. I spend most of it afraid of what is going to happen next. I stay at a job that drains my soul because I’m afraid I can’t find another one. I get myself into the same relationship over and over again because I’m afraid I’m not going to find someone. I’m just afraid.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be happy.
I’ve been searching for love, passion, romance, completion...I’ve been looking for the wrong thing. I need to start looking for happiness.

What does this mean, you ask? I’m not looking for love anymore. Betty and Sam have a new task in my life...to help me be and stay happy. The tone of the blog is going to stay the same (I’m still going to be aggressively breezy) but the content might be altered. It’s going to be about the positive things in life, not the heartbreak and disappointment from the past.

I hope you enjoy this change and will stick with me on my journey to happiness.

Still Thinking

I find myself still wondering...is this worth it? I've talked to Brandon a few times since my last post. He said there was something wrong with my phone and that every time he attempted to call me if said my number was disconnected. I thought that was weird but I was out of town for the weekend and I don't remember receiving any calls.

Anyway...our last few conversations have been about religion and his feelings about Christ. I'm Catholic and he is Baptist. We have the same core values but our beliefs on religion very based on the particular religion we subscribe to. I'm supportive of his involvement in his church. If Jesus is your homeboy then more power to you, its just not how I choose to worship.

I wonder if religion is a deal breaker...for me or even for him. Why wouldn't he want to be with a woman who rides the Christ bus with him? I'm not sure if I'm ready to ride the bus and I don't know how to say that to him.

After our religion talk I asked him what he had on tap this weekend. He said he wasn't sure. I said I wanted to make time to see him. He agreed and said he would figure out what was going on with this daughter and get back to me. I'm not going to push it, I need him to make some effort. I have a feeling this weekend might make or break it for me. :/

P.S. If I offended you, I apologize. I use slag or catchy phrases to express my frustration with religion. I mean no disrespect.

If You Aren’t Looking…

…then why did you change your profile picture? This is the very question I asked myself when I noticed Brandon changed his dating profile picture. For the record, I wasn’t stalking. I was cleaning out my inbox and noticed a picture I hadn’t seen before. It was Brandon. I had a mini heart attack then checked his profile. Sure enough! He had taken down two pictures and put two new ones up from Halloween. He had last logged in on Friday. As I’m writing this post I’m really wondering what the hell I’m doing. Why am I being like this? Is this worth it? I’m starting to lean towards no.

How do I get myself into these messes?

The Talk

I know its been a few days since I've posted but I needed a few days to think. I gave Brandon his space and we finally connected late Saturday night. We chatted for a bit about our weekends but he was getting tired so we got off the phone but we would talk again. A few minutes later I got a text message from him apologizing for being selfish and that he was feeling very nervous letting me in. I also said that he needed things to move slow. I texted back saying I want to talk to him so I could better understand what he was trying to say. He asked if we could talk tomorrow. He also said that it wasn't about me and the he was still interested in talking to me. I felt better after he said that.

Sunday was a long day for me so I didn't call him until later. I called and left a message...no response. I sent a text message late Sunday night telling Brandon that I was here when he was ready to talk to me. He called me back on Monday. We had a good talk on Monday. He was honest with me and open about what had been going on in his life. I was open and honest about how he was making me feel. We talked about still talking and seeing each other. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else and I said I had no plans to either. I like that I can be honest with him and that he is honest with me. We are taking it slow and I'm ok with that...right now.

Since our talk on Monday...things have been good and it feels closer to the way it did before. I'm hanging in there. I spoke with my mentor about it and she says I need to be careful but this was happening in my life for a reason. It's been giving me something to really think about.