I Think I'm Broken

Why is it that I don't like nice guys? Maybe I should restate that... why can't I like nice guys? I ALWAYs fall for the jerk, the ass, the d-bag. You name it, I've dated it. There is just something about them that I can't seem to get enough of. We date for a few months then I get pissed off and finally break it off myself (meaning I stop calling them). At times, I would be juggling two of these jerks at the same time. Somehow it was easier when I had two men to keep me occupied.

I have since stopped this self-destructive behavior (see pervious posts).

Doug and I have been dating for a little over a month. We've been out three times (1.drinks, 2.dinner & movie, 3.lunch). The first date wasn't very great. The second date was better and I liked him more. The third date was rushed and I wasn't really feeling it. We communicate all the time. We text back and forth for most of the day and we attempt to talk at night. He normally texts me first and asks me about my day or telling me about his. Sometimes I like talking to him but sometimes I'm just really annoyed by it.

This is why I think I'm broken. Why don't I like the guy that does what he says he's going to do? Why don't I like that guy that would give me anything I wanted and ask for nothing in return?

I have no idea.

I'm spending this week at my parent's house doing some thinking. What exactly am I looking for? Can I find what I want in Doug? Have I given him a chance to give me what I want? These are all very good questions. I guess I'll have to see what a difference a week makes.

Happy Holidays!

I know it’s been a few weeks since I last posted; my apologies. My life has been a little crazy and I’ve barely had time to breathe.

Overall, things are good. The semester is wrapping up at work and I’m taking some much needed vacation time. I’m still thinking about job searching but I haven’t gotten around to it. I signed back up for my pottery class in January. I’m very excited!

Friends and family are amazing and there is never a dull moment. I truly treasure the time I spend with these people. It will be nice to see them when I travel home for the holidays.

I’m trying very hard to put myself first and to take care of myself. I try to go to Zumba at least twice a week as well as going to my gym. I’m eating healthier and cooking more. I really like cooking and cooking for others. The holiday parties aren’t helping me lose the weight but I’ve been maintaining.

The boy situation is alright. My first date with Doug was underwhelming but I’m giving it another shot this weekend. We met after he got off work (at midnight) for a drink. We were both exhausted and not really in the mood to sit at a bar. We are going out Saturday for dinner and a movie. I’m really hoping it goes well.

I will try to write more soon. I’m sure I will have crazy stories about being home for the holidays.

On My Way There!

I know I am super behind on the blogging...sorry! I went home for Thanksgiving and I've been a little under the weather.

Overall, things have been going well. Home was good minus the cold I picked up there. My job isn't completely killing me and the students only have two weeks of class before a month break. My weight loss is good. I'm down 10 pounds total and feel good. I have a long way to go but it's about the little stuff. My love life is doing good. I'm free of online dating and I'm enjoying my conversations with News Guy. We have discussed meeting up but my cold has put that on hold.

Overall, I'm doing well and I feel like I'm on my way...finally!

Serendipitous

Serendipitous- the propensity for making fortunate discoveries while looking for something unrelated.

I found that in my search for happiness I have come across many serendipitous things...including the word serendipitous. I have found that I really enjoy pop-country music. I am instantly happier when it comes on the radio in the car and I sing at the top of lungs. My personal favorite it Sugarland's All I Want To Do. The beat is super catchy and I love it. I have found that I LOVE my hair short. For a variety of reasons I was really worried about cutting it. It's so freeing to have short hair! I also love that it doesn't take me an hour to get ready in the morning...who knew I actually didn't like spending all the time getting ready. I have found that I really like going to the gym. It makes me feel so much better after I get my butt kicked for 30 min. I've started making it a priority again and I can tell a difference.

Overall things are looking up and I'm really enjoying myself.

There Is A Reason The Name Brandon...

...is on the "No Date" list. He is officially my last Brandon. If your name is Eric(k), Mike, Michale, Brandon, or Matt...please keep on moving. Thank you and have a nice day.

It's Thursday and I still haven't heard anything from Brandon. Surprisingly, I'm okay. I officially deleted him number on Monday. (Sidebar: I did give his number to my friend just in case I needed it for some reason. Even if I asked for it, I have a feeling she wouldn't give it to me. She's a good friend!). I spoke with my mentor on Sunday and my counselor on Tuesday...both of them think its for the better. They also think I might not hear from him again.

I'm a little torn by the situation. For some crazy reason, I still care about him. I want to know he is doing okay and that something terrible didn't happened. On the other hand, my life has been so much less stressful since he has left it. I don't have to worry if he will call or not. I don't have to worry if he is going to shut down and not talk to me for three days. Maybe one day I'll hear from him again or maybe I won't. I will take what I've learned for this relationship and move on.

The new guy, Doug, is a good guy. We are still in the email stages so no need to rush anything. I'm a little nervous to get into something...again...but you have to get back out there, right?

Deleted

I did something bold this morning and deleted my online dating profile. At this point in my life, it was more of a toxin than anything. Truth be told, I’m very glad it’s gone. I needed to be rid of the constant reminder of my failed relationships. I feel good about it.

Update on my last post: I never hear anything from Brandon. I texted him again around midnight asking what happened. I have yet to hear from him and its almost noon. I know now that I can’t do this. I cannot have romantic relationship with him. I need something stable in my very crazy and unstable life. I also need to be a priority in that person’s life. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to Brandon when he calls…that is if he ever calls. I need to take this experience for what it was and move on. I would consider being friends with Brandon but I’m not totally sure about that either.

On a positive note, I have been talking to a new guy. Its only been a week so I’m not jumping the gun. He seems nice and we have a lot in common. I told him I was deleting my profile so we will see what he has to say.

Don’t worry…I’m taking it very slow. I need to be a little selfish for awhile.

Isn't As Easy As I Thought

This happiness thing isn't as easy as I thought. I've been sucked into old habits that are proving to die hard. I know I just need to keep pushing through. The support from friends has been great and they are excited to help me along on my journey of happiness.

I made dinner tonight for two of my guy friends. They are amazing men who are like brothers to me. We had Yellow Pepper Chili and some Garlic Nahn. The chili was great and they didn't even know it was low fat! I used Weight Watcher cheese as a garnish and they had no clue. They were helping me clean up and one said...you fed us low fat cheese! I have no idea! It was funny. We sat around after dinner and watch some great college football. Go ND! Anyway…they are both really supportive of my lifestyle change and they only want the best for me. Overall it was a great dinner with great people.

They guys left around 7pm so I could ready for my date with Brandon. It seems that the planets finally aligned and we are going to see each other. Well…that is what I thought. He sent me a weird text message around 5pm saying he was stuck somewhere for an hour or two. I texted him back asking what he was talking about. We had tentative plans to see a movie around 8. It’s 9:30pm. I called his cell and no answer. I’m just sitting here wondering why I’ve let myself get into this mess. I’m not sure what I should do. I say a lot of things but some are very very hard to follow through with. Like I said before, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to end it. I will update you on what happens.

Breathe…I pushing through whatever this funk is and hoping it gets a little easier.

Maybe I’ve been looking for the wrong thing...

I’ve taken a good, long look at my life these past few days. I’m not who I thought I would be. I rarely find myself smiling and I’m often in a surly mood. I’m not laughing anymore and I spend most of my time with friends over disusing my terrible love life. I don’t want to live my life this way, always angry or upset. I know something is missing and I’ve racking my brain trying to figure out what that is.

I think its happiness.

Happiness is a simple concept. Be happy. Enjoy life. Do things you enjoy. Be around people who bring out your inner happy.

I’m not enjoying my life. I spend most of it afraid of what is going to happen next. I stay at a job that drains my soul because I’m afraid I can’t find another one. I get myself into the same relationship over and over again because I’m afraid I’m not going to find someone. I’m just afraid.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be happy.
I’ve been searching for love, passion, romance, completion...I’ve been looking for the wrong thing. I need to start looking for happiness.

What does this mean, you ask? I’m not looking for love anymore. Betty and Sam have a new task in my life...to help me be and stay happy. The tone of the blog is going to stay the same (I’m still going to be aggressively breezy) but the content might be altered. It’s going to be about the positive things in life, not the heartbreak and disappointment from the past.

I hope you enjoy this change and will stick with me on my journey to happiness.

Still Thinking

I find myself still wondering...is this worth it? I've talked to Brandon a few times since my last post. He said there was something wrong with my phone and that every time he attempted to call me if said my number was disconnected. I thought that was weird but I was out of town for the weekend and I don't remember receiving any calls.

Anyway...our last few conversations have been about religion and his feelings about Christ. I'm Catholic and he is Baptist. We have the same core values but our beliefs on religion very based on the particular religion we subscribe to. I'm supportive of his involvement in his church. If Jesus is your homeboy then more power to you, its just not how I choose to worship.

I wonder if religion is a deal breaker...for me or even for him. Why wouldn't he want to be with a woman who rides the Christ bus with him? I'm not sure if I'm ready to ride the bus and I don't know how to say that to him.

After our religion talk I asked him what he had on tap this weekend. He said he wasn't sure. I said I wanted to make time to see him. He agreed and said he would figure out what was going on with this daughter and get back to me. I'm not going to push it, I need him to make some effort. I have a feeling this weekend might make or break it for me. :/

P.S. If I offended you, I apologize. I use slag or catchy phrases to express my frustration with religion. I mean no disrespect.

If You Aren’t Looking…

…then why did you change your profile picture? This is the very question I asked myself when I noticed Brandon changed his dating profile picture. For the record, I wasn’t stalking. I was cleaning out my inbox and noticed a picture I hadn’t seen before. It was Brandon. I had a mini heart attack then checked his profile. Sure enough! He had taken down two pictures and put two new ones up from Halloween. He had last logged in on Friday. As I’m writing this post I’m really wondering what the hell I’m doing. Why am I being like this? Is this worth it? I’m starting to lean towards no.

How do I get myself into these messes?

The Talk

I know its been a few days since I've posted but I needed a few days to think. I gave Brandon his space and we finally connected late Saturday night. We chatted for a bit about our weekends but he was getting tired so we got off the phone but we would talk again. A few minutes later I got a text message from him apologizing for being selfish and that he was feeling very nervous letting me in. I also said that he needed things to move slow. I texted back saying I want to talk to him so I could better understand what he was trying to say. He asked if we could talk tomorrow. He also said that it wasn't about me and the he was still interested in talking to me. I felt better after he said that.

Sunday was a long day for me so I didn't call him until later. I called and left a message...no response. I sent a text message late Sunday night telling Brandon that I was here when he was ready to talk to me. He called me back on Monday. We had a good talk on Monday. He was honest with me and open about what had been going on in his life. I was open and honest about how he was making me feel. We talked about still talking and seeing each other. He said he wasn't seeing anyone else and I said I had no plans to either. I like that I can be honest with him and that he is honest with me. We are taking it slow and I'm ok with that...right now.

Since our talk on Monday...things have been good and it feels closer to the way it did before. I'm hanging in there. I spoke with my mentor about it and she says I need to be careful but this was happening in my life for a reason. It's been giving me something to really think about.

Where To Go From Here?

I'm not sure where to go from here... I feel a little lost in this relationship or whatever it is. I talked to Brandon yesterday (after I called him) and he seemed a little off. I told him I thought something was wrong and I asked him what. He said he had a lot of things on his mind. I asked if he wanted to talk about it and he proceeded to tell me something (I don't feel right sharing all his personal business with the world...sorry). I asked more questions about what he told me but he had short responses. We talked for a little bit longer then he suddenly had to go. He said he would call me back and I said that way fine. I'm still waiting on him to call. I broke and texted him, just now, asking how he was doing. I wish I wouldn't have sent the text.

After I hung up with Brandon last night, I called one of my mentors because she has experience with the thing Brandon told me about. She and I had a long conversation about the thing and relationship with Brandon. I'm at a crossroads trying to figure out exactly what I want and how I feel. Yes, I like him. Yes, I could see a future. BUT is all his baggage adding up to be one huge deal breaker? Isn't it supposed to be easy right now because this isn't easy. This week has sucked and I've been left in the dark. I can see the relationship crumbling in front of me and I'm just standing there wondering if it's worth saving. My mentor said to give it time and him some space (reason one why I shouldn't have texted him). He will come back if it is meant to be. She also said I need to be prepared that he might not come back and that is on him, not me. Again I go back to the fact that this should be easy.

So I'm left sitting here and wondering what the next few days of my life will hold. I need to give him space and I need to hold to it. I won't contact him (first) until Monday. There is going to be a lot of deep breathing in my future. :/

I Caved...

...and called Brandon last night around 11pm. I may or may not have checked his profile to see if he logged in yesterday. Oh he had logged on and was actually currently online. I kind of flipped and decided to call. I was looking for some answers.

He answered the phone and sounded terrible. Turns out he has been sick for the past three days and spent Monday in the hospital. He has issues with his liver that I vaguely remember him telling me about. I felt terrible for freaking out. I didn't feel bad enough to not mention the fact that I thought it was odd that he hadn't called me back. We only chatted for a few because he still was feeling bad. He said he would talk to me tomorrow (as in today) but I haven't heard from him. I'm going to let it sit for a little longer and I might shoot him a text asking how he is feeling. As I have said many times...if he wants to talk to me then he will.

Two...Going On Three...Days

I’m starting to freak a little. I have talked to Brandon since Saturday night. It’s Tuesday. I called a left a message Sunday night...no response. Against my better judgment, I called him last night. I didn’t leave a message but I know it came up as a missed call. I am really really trying hard not to freak. It’s not really working very well. I’ve been trying to put him out of my head all day saying that if he wanted to talk to him he will call. Maybe he is just busy. Maybe something happened with his family so he can’t talk. Maybe he doesn’t want to see me anymore. Maybe I said something stupid on the phone and he hates me. Ok...the last one might be a little extreme.

I will not call him tonight. I will not call him tonight. I will not call him tonight.

When he does call me, I won’t make a comment about him not returning my calls. When he does call me, I won’t make a comment about him not returning my calls. When he does call me, I won’t make a comment about him not returning my calls.

Breathe in the good air and breathe out the bad air. Breathe in the good air and breathe out the bad air. Breathe in the good air and breathe out the bad air.

Yes, I am crazy. Is this really shocking to you? I didn’t think so. I just need to take this one day at a time...why am I always in a rush? I have no plans on seeing anyone else so I’m not wasting my time. No relationship was a waste of time; it’s a learning experience of the next relationship you’re in.

I will not call him tonight. When he does call me, I won’t make a comment about him not returning my calls. Breathe in the good air and breathe out the bad air.

A Keeper?

I’ve been talking to a new guy for about a month now. His name is Brandon (yes...I have a track record with men named Brandon). He is 34, divorced and has a 6 year old daughter. He is a little country but I think that’s what I like about him. He isn’t like any guy I’ve dated before. I like him...probably more than I would like to admit. We’ve been on two great dates but scheduling a third has shown to be difficult. We are both busy with work and other things so our schedules have a hard time matching up. The fact that he has a daughter isn’t helping as he spends all the time he can with her. The kid thing is very new to me so I am still trying to adjust. We talk almost every day so that is good. I keep telling myself that things are good.

Now tell myself that and actually believing it are two different things. Due to some shady business in the past, I’m more inclined to think he is going to bounce rather than stick around. I’m looking for a guarantee. I understand I’m not going to get one nor can I ask for one. I spend a good amount of my day worrying about this relationship. I’m getting a little better but it is still hard. I feel like it is WAY too early to say something to him. I hope to see him this weekend. I’m not sure if that is going to happen and that is frustrating to me. If you aren’t going to make some kind of effort then why are we still trying to make something work? I’m trying to make this one last but I’m getting close to ending it b/c it would be easier.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I guess we will see if he calls today...I’ve been doing most of the calling the past few days. I think this one is a keeper so send good thoughts my way... I need them.

Let's Review, Shall We?

I know it has been too long since I updated my blog. It was a rough summer. I dated 5 guys and none of them panned out. Here is the quick rundown:

John aka Mr.Clean: Broke my heart twice...once by not slowing up to my birthday party then again when I ran into him and his WIFE at the movies. John wasn’t meant to be but it still hurt. Cheating on his wife will come back and bite him.

Robbie aka Buzz: Where to begin...I gave Robbie another chance and that one bit me in the ass. He put on this song and dance just to sleep with me. I told him what was up and he bounced. I still have his watch b/c he left it at my house. He was such an ass. He got back on the dating site, under a new name, a few weeks ago. I almost vomited. Since then I’ve been rethinking OKCupid.
Alan aka Woody: I think I talked about him in one my last posts but things never worked out. I saw him online the other day and we chatted. He started his law firm and is seeing a girl. I was happy for him...ok I wasn’t really happy for him. He was kind of a jerk, oh well.

Mark aka The Shooter: I know I also blogged about Mark. He was an ok guy but he wasn’t looking for a relationship. We hung out and talked when it was convenient for him. We were together for over two months. He finally bounced after I stopped making the effort to contact him first.

Michael aka The Mason: We went out a few times in July or was it August...I can’t remember. Our first date was good but the second date was a bust. He wasn’t really my type and to be honest I don’t think I was his either. We just stopped talking and that was the end of that.

So that ends my summer of love. I learned a lot about myself and what exactly I am willing to put up with. Onto a Fall filled with love and romance...right?

One Month

It's been a month since my last entry...sorry about that. It's been a busy summer full of work with little vacation. Let me catch you up to speed with my love life.

The Artist and I had dinner a few weeks ago. I remembered why I liked him so much, he really hadn’t changed. We had a great time but he lives an hour and half away… he doesn’t want long distance. It seems that we are friends. Maybe one day that will change but I’m not holding my breath.

I’ve been on a few dates with a guy named Michael aka “The Mason”. He isn’t my normal type…which isn’t a bad thing. He’s kind of dorky and talks way too much. He uses smilie faces in his correspondence and you know how I feel about smilie faces. He is a nice guy…I’m just not sure if he is the right guy for me. We’ve talked on and off since our last date. I’m not sure if there will be another but I’m not cutting it off yet.

The other guy I’ve been seeing in Mark. Mark doesn’t have a nickname and I don’t know why. I went out with Mark on a fluke and to be honest I didn’t think I would really like him. I was wrong… turns out I really like him a lot. We’ve had three great dates but things have slowed down. We’ve both been busy with work so I haven’t seen him in a week or so. He says he wants to go out again but he hasn’t mentioned anything specific. His communication has also been infrequent and I’ve been initiating the majority of it. I’m getting anxious which makes me nervous and slightly paranoid. I don’t know…it could all be in my head. I’ll keep you posted.

Maya Angelo Said It Best...

“When people show you who they really are, believe them."

Oh Maya Angelo! I should have listened to you! Navy Guy and Buzz showed me who they were the first time. Navy Guy never called to confirm our date on Thursday. He also didn't answer my email when I asked if he was still interested in hanging out. Buzz gave me his number and I called him but he never called me back. I left a message and called back the next day.

At this point, I've deleted Navy Guy's emails and Buzz's number. If they really want to get a hold of me...they know how. Next, however, I will believe my gut when it tells me they suck.

Ghost of Lovers Past

The last few weeks have been very interesting. A few different men have resurfaced in my life and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

The fist guy to creepy back into my life was Brandon … otherwise known as Brandon#1 or "The Artist" was perfect. He had red hair (I have a thing for redheads) and amazing eyes. He was getting his masters in art and he thought I was beautiful. We went out a few times then he disappeared... that crushed me and took me awhile to get over him. Fast forward almost 2 years to Brandon messaging me on the dating site. He now lives in Columbus as a glassblower. We’ve exchanged a few emails and he’s mentioned meeting up to hangout. He thinks it would be great. He also said I’m still beautiful. Yes…that was my heart melting. I’m not holing my breathe as Brandon has burnt me before.

The second guy to creep back into my life is Mike…otherwise known as Mike #1 or "Navy Guy". Mike was a few years younger than me. He was one of those guys who was "just looking for fun". It was fun while it lasted but he was a little too childish for me. He also liked to give hickeys and that was not a good look in the summer. Mike was the first guy I dated when I moved to Dayton… our first date was 2 years ago tomorrow. Mike sent me an email on Sunday saying that it had been a long time and was wondering if I ever want to catch up over dinner. I said I would be interested in dinner but that I wasn’t looking for a hook-up. He said he wasn’t either. Two years is a long time and this could be true. I’ve decided to go out with him just to see. Curiosity never killed the cat, right?

The third guy to creep back into my life is Date #2…otherwise known as Buzz. You should remember Buzz, he sent me the random email breaking up with me out of the blue. I posted about our break up last month saying “Buzz broke it off with me. He said he found someone he was more compatible with and that gave him the attention he wanted. This didn't sit well with me, at first, but I'm over it. I wish him the best with no harm feelings.” Well… he is back on the dating site and messaged me. He said he had been thinking about me, wanted to see how I was doing, and that I should give him a call. I’m sorry…what? I messaged him back asking what exactly he had been thinking about and that I didn’t have his number. He messaged me back with his number and alluded to going out in the email. I said I would be open to going out again but I wanted to know what his intentions were. I flat out asked if he was trying to date again. What? Are you really surprised that I asked him that? I want to know what I’m getting into this time. I don’t want another random email from him in three weeks breaking things off again. I’m waiting on his response to my bold question.

The biggest question on my mind is about whether or not I should give these guys another chance. I don’t want to look like a fool but I don’t want to close myself off to something that could be amazing. In church on Sunday I had a heart to heart with the big man. I thanked him for my wonderful life and told him that I truly felt I was ready to let love in my life. I can’t help but think that maybe these guys were meant to come back when I was ready. Is that crazy?

Are These Guys For Real?

Since my last set of dates crash and burned, I've been out there looking again. I changed my profile a bit and added a new photo. With these changes, I've caught some new fish so to speak. Enjoy their messages.

HELLO, MY NAME IS BRAD, I REALLY LIKE YOUR PROFILE AND WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO YOU... Brad has sent me this message three times, including one last name at 3am. No thanks Brad, mama doesn't want a stalker.


Hi! How are you? I like your profile very much! I think
that you are really cute, and you seem like a unique person. I've
never seen anyone list both sewing and tattoos as interests. I can
see a little bit of why you consider yourself to be a walking
contradiction. I saw that you listed education as your profession.
I'm assuming that you are a teacher? I also saw that you are
passionate about music. Thats awesome because I love music too and
I listen to music all day everyday. What is your favorite genre?

P.S. Don't tell anyone, but sometimes I watch romantic comedies. =)
This message isn't bad he's just a little eager. We've messaged a few times but he lives an hour and half away...no thanks.


it was nice to hear from you.. i live @ home with my parents only because of my finances, if this is a problem let me know. if you have any questions feel free to ask. well i hope that you are having a good day. steven. Oh Steven. He's a nice guy that told me WAY too much about himself upfront. The fact that he lives with his parents is the lease of his problems. Sorry Steven.


Okay... So I am a bit of a shy person. But after viewing your about me, and seeing that smile. I had to say hello. I know I know you looked at my profile But that's not the reason I'm messaging you. Your personality , smile and eyes really stood out. To be honest I could read it again. You're a very sweet, outgoing and well rounded woman. I can honestly say you stand alone when it comes to most of the people on this site. Thanks for viewing my profile and allowing me to view yours. You made my day. I'm not totally sure what to do about this one. I got it this morning and I've read it like four times. I think I'm going to respond back but I'm not sure what to say...thank you, my smile really is great...haha.


Subject line:WoWser! I like you - tonight?
Hi-
You are stunning! I like your style!
Hope we can meet and see if sparks fly as predicted!
Where do I even begin?

Can't complain...did some grilling out and what not...I will be honest though before we even talk too much because I don't want to waste your time. I was actually looking for more of a hook up on here. I apologize if this is not what you're after. At least he's honest? Too bad b/c he was a cute artist.

Back To The Drawing Board

There isn’t really much to report since last week. Woody and I have started drifting apart and I’m ok with that. After doing some major over thinking, I’ve come to the conclusion that we might be better friends. He had a lot of hang-ups about my job and future admissions. I can’t help that and I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want to sacrifice my career. This may change later on in my life but right now…it’s a deal breaker.

But not to worry…I have a few fellas out there I’m chatting with. Some seem more promising than others but I never turn down a free dinner. If my grandmother had said no to my grandfather, I wouldn’t be here. I will let you know how the new guys unfold.

The Revolving Door

Things have crashed and burned a little since my last post. I'm not really in a place right now to rehash it. Sorry!

On to the very long story but shortened...

Buzz broke it off with me. He said he found someone he was more compatible with and that gave him the attention he wanted. This didn't sit well with me, at first, but I'm over it. I wish him the best with no harm feelings.

Woddy and I are still talking. He isn't sure how he feels and wants to take things slow. While taking things slow, he still wants to see other people. Its more complicated than that but you get the idea. I'm still trying to figure out if I want to wait or not. Right now I'm waiting... next week I might be done. You all know by now that I can change my mind at the drop of a hat.

I will keep you updated on the revolving door that is my love life!

He Likes Me…He Likes Me Not…He Likes Me?

Last night was my second date with Woody. We went to dinner then watched a movie at his house. He spent all day cleaning his apartment and he even gave his dog a bath. He bought dinner and beer after. He opened my car door and held my door open. He always asked if I needed anything and was really sweet. We had a great time. The conversation was good and I felt comfortable. I even liked his dog! I’m not a dog person at all but she was so sweet. He said she really “took” to me. Anyway I left his house at 3:00 this morning. He walked me out to my car and we hugged. Yes, hugged…twice. They were good hugs, both arms with a little squeeze. I thought for sure the second hug was going to end in a kiss but I was mistaken. After the last hug, I said goodbye to his dog. She licked my face and I made a smart comment I wanted to take back. I said “I think Bently likes me more than you do”. I laughed and he said “ouch”. That wasn’t the response I was looking for and I felt bad for saying it. I texted him when I got home to let him know I was home, that I had a good time, and thank you. He said he was starting to worry about me and that I was welcome. I tried to cover up the Bently comment and he said “haha it’s cool”. I left it at that. He texted me this morning around 9:30am just to say good morning. We’ve been texting back and forth all day.

I keep questioning if he actually likes me likes me. I mean I think he does but the whole not kissing things is what has been throwing me off. My friends keep telling me to hang in there and that he is just taking it slow. I’m not used to it taking it slow so I’m kind of freaking out (surprising…I know). I just need some kind of reassurance that he likes me likes me. I think I’m going to give it one more date before I say something.

On a side note… Buzz and I are going out tonight. I’m looking forward to the uncomplicated side of things and possibly a little making out. I’m not sure how far things are going to go with Robbie but I’m willing to see it out a little longer.

Woody and Buzz

I've finally come up with nicknames from date#1 and date#2... Buzz and Woody (yes from Toy Story).

Buzz aka date #1 is trying to move things along very quickly. He has made his feelings known and that he likes spending time with me. He doesn't say much but has a presence about him. He's a simple guy and I think I need some of that. We went to dinner and a movie on Sunday. After the movie we walked around this outdoor mall/park near the movie theater. The mall/park has live music during the summer so we decided to sit and listen. It was really great. I enjoyed just sitting and being with him. We didn't have to talk or do anything, just be with each other.

On my way home, I got a call from Woody aka date #2. We talked about our weekends and other various subjects... 4 hours later we got off the phone. There is just something about him, I really enjoy talking to him. I would like to think he enjoys talking to me...I mean one would like if he stayed on the phone with me for 4 hours. We talked a little about seeing each other again. He said I had to pick the place. I'm a little nervous but I have some ideas brewing. I talked to him this morning for a few hours on gchat. Again great conversation with some playful banter in there too. At the end of the conversation he asked me to text him when I got off work. I'm curious. I'm having trouble reading him. I think we have connection but he isn't giving me any signs...he moves VERY slow and considers himself "old-fashioned".

They are very different from each other but I like them both. Why can't I just smash them together and make one guy. Oh well...story of my life.

A Twofor

Okay...about the dates.

Date#1 We met for happy hour and had a few drinks. He was super nervous but I thought it was cute. The conversation was a little slow at first but it got better as the night went on. We talked more about our jobs and the different things we like to do. Overall, I had a nice time. We talked about seeing each other again and talking over the weekend. We hugged goodbye and I got a little peck. He called me today to see how I was doing. He's sweet and I think I need that.

Date#2 I rushed home from date#1 and changed clothes. Date#2 and I had dinner with drinks. He was taller than I thought and had a great voice. We had great conversation and I felt comfortable around him. We were at the restaurant for almost 4 hours! We parted ways with a hug and a joke. I left the date wondering if he wanted to see me again, he is very hard to read. He texted me to see if I made it home okay. We walked a few times today and I finally just asked me outright what he thought about last night. He said "I had a good time, conversation seemed natural.I'm assuming your situation is like mine with maybe a few other users that you're talking to as well, etc... As far as going out again, I'm certainly open to it!Conversation is really important to me, so I thought last night was impressive". I thought this was a good response. He keeps me on my toes and I find that every attractive...I do love me a good challenge.

I'll keep you updated!

To Get A Date, All You Need Is A Date

In an attempt to move on from Mr.Clean, I started looking around the dating site again. I found two perspective men... date#1 and date#2. I know the nicknames are very unoriginal but I'm still trying to think of good ones. Here's the background info on the fellas...

Date#1- He is a 29 year old nurse that works the night shift at a hospital in Middletown. He seems like a nice guy and he isn't afraid to pick up the phone and call me. He has a very sweet face and Grandma always said that was a good thing. No kids and no ex-wives. I've been trying to go out with Date #1 for a few weeks but our schedules have not been matching up. We finally found a time this week that worked for both of us...last night. We spoke on Sunday and made plans...drinks at The Greene. I was really looking forward to it especially will all the crap with Mr.Clean.

Date#2- He is 27 year old lawyer who is attempting to start his own law practice. All of our communications have been online or through text. He is very sarcastic but I like that. He can dish it out and take it. We've chatted everyday for the last week or so. No kids and no ex-wives. I wasn't sure where things were going with Date#2. We talked all the time and I really enjoyed our conversations. There was some flirting but I couldn't really tell...he is really hard to read. Out of the blue on Monday he asked me to dinner. I told him things were tight this week because of my birthday and friends coming into town this weekend. He asked about Thursday and I said yes late Thursday would work.

Yes...I booked two dates on one night. I don't know why I did it...it just kind of happened. I told date #1 I had a work thing so I had to do drinks early. Date #2 didn't want to meet until later so I was still good. I felt bad about lying to date#1 but I wanted to see them both.

I'll post about the dates later...don't worry.

So Just Leave The Pieces When You Go...

Things aren't going well with Mr.Clean. The last time I saw him (May 29) we had a "mini-talk". I thought the talk went well and that we were on the same page. We aren't bf/gf but we discussed not seeing over people. I thought we were in a good place. I talked to him a few days later about his weekend and possibly getting together before I went out of town last weekend. We were on track to make plans when he disappeared again. He sent me a message on the dating site saying he broke his phone and that's why he hadn't called or texted. I took a deep breath and responded back. I attempted to be understanding and not act hurt. I invited him to my birthday dinner on Wednesday and asked him to call me. He logged in on Monday but never returned my message. He didn't show up to dinner or even wish my a happy birthday on Wednesday. He hasn't logged on and I haven't heard from him.

There are a million things running through my head right now. If he wanted to end it, then why didn't you say that in the message Sunday? I wasn't expecting a present or anything major for the b-day but I would have liked a call or text. I feel so stupid for falling for him and doing this to myself again. I've thought about calling or texting him to see what's up. It's the hanging on that's killing me. I really just want to know if he is in or out.


"And it's alright, yeah I'll be fine
Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine
Just take your love and hit the road
There's nothing you can do or say
You're gonna break my heart anyway
So just leave the pieces when you go"
- The Wreckers Leave The Pieces
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu6sdbxD3gU

Old Habits Should Stay Buried

Do you remember Marc (aka Valintine's Day)? We dated for a hot second in February and March 2009 then we attempted to remain friends with a side of benifits. You also may remember a few post in January about Marc. I made the mistake of I asked him to get back together. He waited a month to tell me he didn't know how to respond. He randomly contacted me in March but it didn't go anywhere.

Last week, during my freak out, I contacted Marc. "Hanging out" with Marc was always my fall back after every bad date or breakup. I was expecting to end things with Mr.Clean so the logical thing was to contact Marc.

Tonight Marc picked me up for dinner. There were a few things I noticed...1. he had an awful haircut, 2.his car was a mess, 3. he smelled like pot. I should have turned around then. We went dinner where he proceeded to eat two cheeseburgers (because he was high). He told me he was taking a quarter off from school to "find himself". He was planning on spending the summer driving around the country and getting high. I was shocked. The guy I dated last year was focused and driven...he was planning on getting his bachelors in computer science. The guy sitting across from me wasn't sure if he was going to finished his associates degree. He certainly turned into a real winner.

We finished our dinner and came back to my place (not before he got high in his car outside my apartment). We watched a movie then he left. We hugged goodbye and that was the end of it. Thinking about it now, a few hours later, I'm kind of glad we had dinner. It's good to know that I'm not missing anything. This is one old habit already dead and that needs to stay buried.

Rule #1: Use Spell and Grammar Check

I know how much everyone loves my random creepy messages. Here's a great one!

hey, im goin to be right to the point and you probably feel the same thing so let me no,i think you are pretty and i would like to chat and see if we could have something incomin but if im not your type tell me straight up,i dont like stuck up,to good for a average man gurl,im funny and real,i speak my mind and bye this you should no im very forward,so if im cute and you think so im if not good luck and hope you have a wonderful day beautiful!!! -This one seems like a nice guy but dude SPELL CHECK!

Wow, what a pretty girl way up there in the northlands! Anyway, I wanted to say hello. I figure we could at least be friends here on line even if nothing else. I hope I figured right and that I hear from you. - Did I meantion this guy is 62 and from South Carolina...um yeah.

Hi how are you? I enjoyed reading your profile and I must say, you are very pretty. I was wondering if you are interested in talking and getting to know each other. I hope you don't reject me because of my age. I am mature for my age but if you would rather be just friends then I can live with that too. Friends are better than nothing. I hope to hear from you soon. -He is 20 years old...um no.

I just got out of a relationship so I am looking for a friends w benefits thing not really hoping for more. -At least he's direct?

Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating When I Was 21

A friend of mine sent this to me. I found it to be eyeopening. Enjoy!

At 31, dating blogger Erin Meanley looks back and shares 31 dating truths she wishes she had known ten years earlier...

1. If you're confused about whether a guy likes you or not, that's probably not good. Confusion in romance belongs only in romantic comedies because it suspends the plot, but suspense in real life sucks. So try not to analyze the events. The truth will reveal itself without you having to do anything.

2. Sometimes guys flirt with you or pay attention to you because it makes them feel good about themselves. (Hey, we do it, too.)

3. Even a guy who will admit that you're better looking than him should still be able to tell you you're beautiful. If he holds back in order to control the situation, or to keep you, or keep you down, he's got issues.

4. Don't help him ask you out by texting him something nice or polite. I'm glad you're more outgoing and thoughtful than he is, but he doesn't want the help.

5. Guys want to get busy more than anything. They'll say anything to close the deal.

6. It's shocking how much guys will talk about marriage. Until there's a ring on your finger, it will be better for you if you pretend you're deaf.

7. It's better not to lift a finger in the beginning.

8. In the early stages, giving him presents is too much. Generosity looks desperate to guys. You may be a great shopper and gift-wrapper; it may be his birthday and you may be wild about birthdays -- even still, he'll think you're just wild about him. Too wild.

9. Guys just do not think like girls. I wish I'd had a brother. Real boys are nothing like the boys in movies.

10. They might take a decade to mature. Don't hope they'll grow up or be ready in the next six months.

11. Even if your family thinks there's going to be a marriage, don't let them spoil your guy. Yes, he's grateful you gave him your car when he moved out of NYC, but he would rather have had to work for it.

12. Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. I see now that it would have won me a lot of points. A LOT.

13. Just because he might be smarter than you or more talented at certain things doesn't mean he's your servant and won't mind doing all your homework/research/chores.

14. Guys get resentful, too.

15. You're special, unique, and important, but you're not a princess -- no matter what Daddy says (although for the record, my dad calls me "Erin").

16. It's okay to say no. It's more than okay. It's always okay. If he stops calling (and many, many, many will), you're only weeding out the guys who aren't truly interested in you as a person. Time saved!

17. Playing it safe guarantees you'll have more time and energy to think about your grades or your work. Less drama in your life will always be better and healthier for you.

18. You deserve to be treated like a human being.

19. Your wants and needs are just as important as his, and if you don't express them because you think it will scare him away, then you're saying you don't count as much as he does.

20. Even sophisticated people with professional jobs can have tempers or hit you or use foul language. I've known men who dressed like diplomats but they were ugly human beings.

21. You can't force chemistry. If you like him as a friend, the attraction might grow, but if it doesn't, don't force it. And don't waste his time.

22. Ease up on the sauce. Alcohol clouds your judgment.

23. No boyfriend-girlfriend relationship starts with a 1 a.m. text.

24. When a guy has taken you to Applebee's five times and you say you want to treat him, he'll
be psyched. But secretly he'll freak out if you take him to Ruth's Chris, even just the one teeny time. Don't try to match him one Ruth's Chris for five Applebee's. Take him out, but go to T.G.I. Friday's.

25. Women love attention. A guy needs to be pretty crazy about you in order for him to pay enough attention to make you happy long-term.

26. My mom always said, "Men don't think." I thought she meant, "They are mistaken in their thoughts." But they're just not thinking anything at all. About you. They're watching the game. That's why they haven't called.

27. There should be a medium ground between workaholism and his absolute devotion. "The knight departing for new adventures offends his lady, yet she has nothing but contempt for him if he remains at her feet" (Simone de Beauvoir, "The Second Sex", 658).

28. Never underestimate the quality of "interesting." Men want someone interesting. They really do. Find some hobbies.

29. What are you hoping to gain by hooking up with this guy? If the answer is "him," that's a bad deal for you. "The woman gives herself, the man adds to himself by taking her" (de Beauvoir, 659).

30. Expectations? They'll ruin every dating experience you have.

31. You will never understand men. Just try to understand yourself.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/89028/things-i-wish-id-known-about-dating-when-i-was-21

Are You In or Out?

I haven't heard from Mr.Clean in two days and I'm starting to freak. Ok...let's be honest, I started to freak two days ago...now I'm on overdrive.

I saw him Tuesday. His plans got cancelled so we went to a late movie. After the movie he came over and ended up staying the night. He texted me Wednesday saying he had a good time. I texted him back and never got a response (let the freaking out begin). Thursday morning he texted me saying he had just gotten back from the doctor and he had strep throat so he needed to reschedule our date. I said that was fine and I understood. No text back. I didn't contact him at all on Friday. I texted him this morning saying that I hoped he was feeling better. No response as of 2:47pm... overdrive freak-out.

I'm really not sure what to think or what to do. How can we be fine one second then he be MIA the next? Is he blowing me off? If he is, I have no idea where it is coming from. I felt like he was in this just as much as me. So what do I do? Just let him slip away? Do I call him out on it? They say men run when they are "scared" of their feelings...is that the case? I just want to know....are you in this with me or are you out? Be a man and tell me!

Moving In Slow Motion

I don't really have much to update. I'm still talking to Mr.T and Mr.Clean and Verizon is thanking me. My cell phone bill is through the roof because of all the text messages.

Mr.T and I are still attempting to schedule a second date. He is having troubles with the house he just bought so I'm giving him some space to do that.

Mr.Clean and I are doing well. Dinner at my house was really nice and I enjoy spending time with him. I'm still a little worried that we are moving too fast but I'm not really doing anything to slow us down. We talk all the time and I count the days until I see him again. I know what you're thinking...yes, I really do like him. I understand that but I can't get ahead of myself. The key is taking it one day at a time and to not freak out. At this point in the relationship, I have a tendency to freak out. I know, shocking that I freak out when it comes to relationships. Deep breathe...I will not freak out, I will not freak out.

The Update

I know I’ve been MIA for the past week or so…I’ve been a little busy. Besides my bestie from Cleveland visiting, I’ve been going a on a few dates.
Mr.T and I have been talking and are planning on going out to dinner on Thursday. He is still a great guy; I’m just waiting for the spark. Maybe there will be a spark on Thursday…Thursdays are good date days for me.

There is a new guy who I don’t know if I’ve mentioned yet. His name is John but I’m going to call him Mr.Clean. He is bald and buff with amazing blue eyes. There are a few yellow flags about Mr.Clean… he has two kids and is divorced. The yellow flags, however, are being overshadowed by the fact that I am really attracted to him. I mean besides being physically attracted to him, he is really smart. I like talking to him and hearing what he has to say. I just hope he feels the same way about me. Our first date was dinner and a walk around the park last Thursday. Sunday was lunch and a movie. Tomorrow, I’m making him dinner. I like spending time with him but is it too fast? I’m just trying not to get ahead of myself.

There are also a few new guys I’ve been talking to but nothing major to share. I’ll keep you posted.

Incomplete...Need Not Apply

Mr. T and I have been texting quite a bit today. It started off with a simple “how is your day” and has progressed into “what are you looking for from a guy right now”. I feel like that was a very loaded question for a text message. I think the question is a result of the responses to a previous set of questions about my job. I said I was excited for the summer because my work commitments change. I work at university and when the students leave it’s a different world. He asked me how many hours I work during the week. I said I don’t count hours because that’s not what job is about but it probably around 60+. He asked about over time and I said there were other perks to the job. He asked about down time and how I relax. I said I deal with it as it comes but my department is understanding. He then asked what I would do right now if I wasn’t at work. This is the question that I think fueled the “looking for right now” question. I said sleep but if that wasn’t an answer then hanging out with my friends doing a variety of things. Did he not like my answer? Did he think I should have said hang out with boyfriend? Seriously, I would sleep. I love my friends and family but all I want to do is sleep this weekend. This semester has killed me. Anyway… I said that I was looking for a guy who “I can be myself with. He has to understand the good and bad of my job. He has his own life and I have mine but we make room for each other”. If he is looking to “complete me” or be completed by me, then keep moving… those applicants need not apply.

Am I reading too much into these loaded text messages? Let me count the reasons why I don’t like having semi-important conversations via text message.

The Burn

Do you remember one of my very first posts when I wrote about all the men I’ve dated since I moved to Dayton? At the end of that post, I mentioned two men in my life. More specifically I said this…

“Now there are two men I haven't mentioned. These men and I go way back and they are both still in my life... as friends. They live across the country from me and I often find myself wondering that if I moved back to where they are, would it work. Many of my friends don't like these two fellas and for good reason. My friends have comforted me through years of heartache & heartbreak with these guys and more than a few times they've fished me out of a bottle of cheap wine. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I will ever be fully over either of them.”

One of these men remains a friend and our communication has become less frequent over the past year. He has a great girl friend who makes him happy so I respect that. The other man and I have a strange relationship that often leaves us having the same talk over and over again. The conversation is completed and it always leaves me questioning our friendship. He says things that mess with my feeling and get my hopes us. One would think that after having the same conversation over and over again, that it wouldn’t faze me. Sadly, that’s not the case. He doesn’t want to makes promises he can’t keep. He doesn’t want to look too far into the future. He doesn’t want long distance. He doesn’t want…that’s all he says. I struggle. I want to ask him what he does want but I know what he does want doesn’t really match what I want. I would give him what he wanted, if he returned the favor. Can’t we meet in the middle? Why can’t we try? I guess I just don’t get not trying. What’s the hurt in trying? Why do we have this conversation every time I start dating again? They aren’t going to measure up to him but he doesn’t want to be with me in that way so I have to attempt to move on. I just don’t get it. I am constantly asking myself why. Is he afraid he’s going to get hurt? Ditto my friend…I’m always afraid I’m going to get hurt but I still put myself out there for him even thought I keep getting shot down.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I know better than to let him get to me. I know better than to read into what he says. I know he is just going to leave me with heartburn in the end.

Mr. T

We are now on to guy #2 from the minor leagues. His name is Tyrone… I like to call him Mr. T (even though he doesn’t resemble Mr. in anyway, at all). He’s a “good on paper guy”. He owns a home, has a job he loves, a good family and a Master’s degree… like I said, good on paper. I always want to fall for these guys but I never can. I need a good on paper guy with a splash of cayenne pepper. I always fall for cayenne pepper.

Anyway…I went out to dinner with Mr.T. We had a nice time, good conversation and I didn’t want to run screaming. I didn’t feel any connection but I’m going to give it another shot. He’s moving this weekend so it might be another week before I see him again. We’ve been texting and I might call him tonight. I need to take it slow. Slow is good and what’s going to get me the relationship I think I’m looking for. Right? Cayenne pepper just seems leave me with bad heartburn in the end.

Why You Gotta Be A Jerk?

I heard back from Big Red today and he was kind of a jerk. I told him no thank you and he threw it back in my face. He wanted me to clarify what I meant by "being friends". I don't fault him in that. You can say you want to be friends but not really mean it. I told him that I couldn't make any promises about a friendship that may or may not form. I thought it was a valid response. He texts me back say that he was testing me and that he wasn't sure if he actually felt anything either but thought he "would give it another go". I wasn't sure what I say in response...I mean I wanted to tell him to fuck off but I was trying not to over react. So I said, I'm glad there are not hard feelings. He responded by saying that we didn't actually go on a "real date", that I seemed like a cool person but I was right that the chemistry needed to go on wasn't there. I haven't responded and I don't think I'm going to. I just keep thinking in my head, why do you have to be a jerk? I was trying to be honest and open with you. Delete...for sure.

On an unrelated note, I got an email from Putt-Putt today. He didn't mention anything about me telling him that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him. It was the same old email that he always sends me. Did he just skip over that part when he read the email. I haven't decided if I'm going to write back. How many times do I need to break up with this guy?

Done & Done

I finally did it. I finally told Big Red I wasn't interested in seeing him again. I am very proud of myself.

I sent him a carefully crafted text message. Don't hate on the fact that I sent him a text message...if the dude asks me out in a text message then I can break up with him in one. Fair is fair. I sent the text about an hour ago and no response. I mean I did send it to him when I knew he would be at work. This was to avoid the awkward phone call I could receive instead of a text. I'm not really really to talk about it...how do you explain to someone that you just aren't sexually attracted to them. Super awkward. Below you will find the text message. I can't take all the credit for crafty the message. My BFF from college is amazing at writing text message so I enlisted her help. I'll let you know if he responds.

"I had a good time the other day but I didn't feel the connection I need to pursue a romantic relationship. I'm sorry. Maybe we could try being friends?"

Might Be Over It

I’ve been thinking (you are correct, that isn’t always the best) that I might be over the dating thing. It’s exhausting… like I am exhausted just thinking about it. It is so hard to find someone who is worth all of this exhaustion. How am I supposed to move to the major leagues when I’m exhausted in the minors? This is no good. Maybe I just need to tough it out a little longer…maybe it will get better. Ok, I’m not so sure if I believe that last statement.

Second Date?

I got a text message from Big Red last night asking me out on a second date. The message read "heeeello. I had an absolutely splendid time yesterday maam. Would you be free to go out again this coming friday evening?" I didn't respond right away. I didn't know what to say. I was hoping that sleeping on it last night would give me some clarity this morning. It didn't. I sent him a vague text message back saying I needed to check my work schedule. I know, lame. I feel like I need to make a decision...like soon. I don't want to lead him on if I decided not to pursue the relationship. On the other hand, if I do want to see if this is going to work I need to commit to the date. I just don't know what to do. Maybe sleeping on it (again) will help.

The Date

Let me start off this post by saying it has been a while since I've been on a "real" date. I've been out with guys since my last steady relationship but never on actual dates.

This date was very typical. We had lunch and went to an afternoon show. He payed for everything (not that I didn't offer but he insisted). Lunch was at a local pub in the downtown area, we had great food and good conversation. He is very much a story teller so he did most of the talking. Somethings came out during this conversation that were red flags. The brightest red flag was the fact that his ex girlfriend is pregnant with his kid. They are really on speaking terms and she is due in June. While he was explaining the "situation", as he called it, he harped on all the things that were wrong with his previous relationship. This was another red flag...what he was saying made it sound like he wasn't really over it. He wanted me to talk about my ex (Putt-Putt) but I told him there wasn't much to say. I'm not really all about the ex talk; its not really a topic I want to talk about on the first date.

After lunch, he took me downtown to one of the old theaters. He bought tickets to a kids show. The show is hard to explain and was fairly entertaining...think live action Fantasia (the movie not the singer). We parted ways after the show and shared a kiss. We ended the date saying "let's do this again sometime soon". Overall it was a nice date; not one of the best but definitely not one of the worst. There is just one problem...

I am in no way, shape, or form attracted to him. I knew it from the moment I saw him in the parking lot. He didn't lie to me about his appearance so that wasn't it. I just didn't feel anything. I thought it might develop as the date went on but no such luck. Then I thought maybe I would feel something when we kissed. There was nothing.

I haven't heard from him since we parted ways in the parking lot. I'm not planning on make the first move, mainly because I'm not really sure what to say. I would like to be friends but I don't want to date him. One of my friends told me I didn't need anymore guy friends and to just cut him loose. I just don't know what I want to do. Do I give it another shot and see if its there next time? Thoughts?

It's Ok...I'm Just Crazy

It turns out I was freaking out about nothing when it came to Big Red. I know, shocking that I would be freaking out about something for no reason and that something would turned out to be ok.

Big Red and I are going out tomorrow afternoon. I'm not a big day date kind of person but you gotta do what you gotta do...he works nights. We are still working out the details but I am really excited...minus my eye issue. Sidebar: I woke up this morning with a swollen right eye. I went to the doctor and its infected. Thank god its not red and pussing, its just swollen and droopy. I can't wear eye makeup. I was having a moment about it today but if he doesn't like me because of the swollen eye then he isn't for me. I can always look amazing, sometimes the hot mess comes out.

Anyway... I will let you know how the date goes. I just remember to breathe and be myself.

So Not A Part Of The Plan

The plan during my time in the minors was just to work the kinks out of my dating habits so I'll be ready for the majors. The thought of finding an actual, datable guy was never apart of the plan. Stupid plan.

There is a guy who seems to be an actual datable guy. His name is Jason or "Big Red"... he's a big guy with red hair. We've messaged back and forth for the last few weeks. Last week we talked on the phone (for a few hours) and he asked me out on a date. I couldn't go because I was home but we are trying to make plans for this weekend.

I'm really really trying not to get ahead of myself. I need to just chill out because I am starting to freak a little. Our communication has decreased since we have switched to the phone. I thought that might happen but I was really hoping it wouldn't. We also work opposite schedules and I'm trying not to make that a big thing. He's a bartender/line cook. Sidebar: For those of you that are counting, that would be bartender #3. I've made it work with bartenders before so I'm not oppose to trying it.

I just need to remember to breathe and not freak out... take it one day at a time.

Eager Beaver

One of my reasons for joining the minors was to get some of the glitters out. I forgot that others might have the same glitters.

Jose or "Salon Guy" (he works at a salon as an esthetician) seems like a nice guy... a few minor flags but its still too early to tell. We've been messaging back and forth for a week or so. He . One of the minor flags is that he is a eager beaver...a major one. His last 3 massages were sent within an hour of the message I sent him. The most recent one was 20 minutes after I sent him my response (yes, I checked). I've already caught myself apologizing for waiting a day or two to respond... that's a yellow flag for me.

I don't do very well with clingy, in fact I normally run the other way screaming. Is it too early to tell him to slow down? Am I over reacting? I would rather nip that in the but now than have to deal with it later. I guess I'll wait a little long and see if I can casually tell him to pump the breaks.

I'm Not A Bitch...

he is just boring! I mean extremely boring.

You are correct, I am talking about Mr. Officer. He is in fact so boring, I'm even having trouble writing this post. Our last correspondence was about the weather and how sunny it was outside. I'm not sure how to end our correspondence. Do I send a lame message saying no thanks? Do I just not respond to his last message? Do I tell him that he has board me to tears and that he has no idea how to talk to women? I would really like to do the last one but I'm thinking its going to be the second. He honestly can't think we had a connection. He knows nothing about me! Halfway through our communication I stopped volunteering information and only answered the questions he asked me directly. The result...he know I don't like rain and that I'm glad it starting to warm up outside.

Like I said... extremely boring!

More Messages

I'm visiting the family this weekend so I'm taking a little break from the Internet. Here are two new messages to keep you entertained until Monday.

From: Divine_Shadow. He looks like a mjor creeper and he looks at my profile everyday.... like I said creeper.
Subject:Good Evening...
Or early morning, depending on your perspective. :D My name's "Divine_Shadow", I'm 27, and oddly enough still in school...studying Communications and Social Work, to be precise. I'm writing in the small hope that possibly you'll write back, as you seem to be a pretty interesting person, and I'd absolutely adore the opportunity to get to know you better.

As per me and my interests, I say: What've you got? Honestly, I go all over the board from enjoying a remarkably terrible film, to spending an evening in the kitchen, or an afternoon at the local watering hole. I can hold a conversation: just pick a subject, and don't be afraid to tell me what you really think. I enjoy a challenge and hope you do as well.

Anyways, I'm absolutely dreadful at this sort of thing, and I'm not usually much into seeing more than one person at a time and I'd love to really get to know you better. I hope to hear back from you soon.

-DS
p.s. You do have an absolutely adorable smile, if that's alright for me to say.

From:Enzo_Matrix. He is 21 and is snuggling with his cat in the picture. Truth be told, he lost me at the hello (we've already discussed how I feel about smilie faces).
Subject:Hello :^)
Hey, I saw you had a very pretty profile picture and a interesting profile. I would love to get to know you. I am currently in Iowa, but thinking about moving to Ohio. Let me know if you would like to talk.

Message From The Minors

I thought I would share some awesome messages I've received. Enjoy! Oh and by awesome, I mean terribly awkward.

This message is from "Jude". Background on Jude...38 year old Asian man who spoke about himself in the third person in his "get to know me" section.

How are you doing? You're seem like a pretty smart girl, who also happens to be quite cute.

How do you like this online thing? Is this site working out for you? Have any other favorite sites?

Anyways, if you want to chat about similar interests (like theater, guitar and dancing), tell me your favorite joke, or think I'm interesting too or just plain hot ~ don't be shy ;) ~ then message me sometime.

Favorite sport to play: like tennis, bowling, jogging, taekwondo, pool.
Favorite to watch: ice skating, gymnastics, boxing.

This message is from "Jaris". Jaris is a 24 year old, black "model"... can't you tell?

Hello.. I took a look at your profile a little earlier but anyway..how have things been going for you here on OkC anyway?

As for me, generally, I love to draw, write, take photos, design, watch anime, and surf the net. I'm the kind of person that you're more likely to see in a library or bookstore than a bar or a club any day of the week. I'm pretty content with myself but not entirely however, I willing to get to know someone simply for who they are. I'm kinda shy at first but after while when I get comfortable that quickly fades away. Right now, I'm not working, just going to Central U full time and I have 2yrs left to go before I become a teacher and I'm sooo looking forward to it. =) I'm a fairly calm and composed individual and I don't really get mad or lose control of myself due to outer emotions. That's basically all I'm about. =D

This message is from "Jose". Jose is 29 years old and a hairdresser, oh I mean hair designer.

Hey I was just reading your profile and thought you were cute. I notice we share very similar personalities. I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh even more. I am constantly making a fool of myself just to make a few people smile. So, you make a mean apple pie? Well I can eat a mean apple pie lol. Well I just wanted to stop by and say hey. Feel free to message me back if you want.

The Hook

Have you ever watched How I Met Your Mother? It's kind of amazing and you should watch it. An episode a few weeks ago sparked this post and an email to Putt-Putt. Here is a clip of the episode that explains what "the hook" means. http://www.cbs.com/primetime/how_i_met_your_mother/video/?pid=ep_ArsMkn_b9yLMcSby5bWm0NqFJ22qc&nrd=1

As I've meantioned in pervious emails, I've been trying to break things off with Putt-Putt but I just don't have the heart. Recently the emails have become more frequent and he's been texting me. I eventaully return the emails but I don't respond to his text messages...I don't want to open that floodgate...again. His latest email (I received yesterday after I sent wrote him back on Saturday) was typical, the same old topics: dog, parents, new thing he bought, and work. At the end of the email he asked me if I was doing anything over break then said "hypitheically speaking if I wanted to call you this week, what would be a good night;)". Sidebar: You all know how I feel about smilie faces...I mean hello I wrote a post about them last week! Under no sercomstances do I want to talk on the phone. When he calls I won't answer but then if I don't return his call he might so up and that is no good, no good at all.

So...I've deceided to let Putt Putt off "the hook". I just sent him the below email expressing my feelings about our friendship. You might think its harsh but I spent a lot of time thinking about what to say and how not to be mean. The last time we actually spoke to one another he told me he still loved me. I told him I didn't feel the same way and he cried. See why I don't want to talk to him on the phone...I can't deal with him crying and being all sad. I don't want to hurt him but I feel like if I don't say something now then I will just hurt him more later. I'll let you know what he says.

The email:

I'm doing well...work is kind of kicking my butt. My sinuses are doing better; I just hope my allergies don't start with the weather changes this weekend.

I'll have to watch the Dayton game. It looks to be a good one. I'm headed to Indy for Easter to spend time with the family and some friends. I've very excited for my three day week.

To be honest with you, I don't think calling me is a good idea. An occasional email is fine, but I not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. I say this because I don't want to give you the wrong idea about our friendship. I'm sorry but that is just how I feel.

I hope you have a good Easter and I'll catch up with you later.

Dating Karma

A few of my guy friends from the DYT have also been online dating. One guy (who used a paid website) is happily dating a girl from Cincinnati. The other two have been using the same free site I am and haven't really had any success.

Anyway...we all went to dinner the other night and the topic of dating etiquette came. All three guys were very adamant about not contacting the girl if things didn't work out. They didn't feel the need to send any type of communication to let the person know they no longer wished to communicate with them. I disagreed and explained my dating karma theory. If you screw someone over, you are the next to be screwed over. They all thought I was crazy but I very much live by that rule. If I no longer want to communicate with a guy, I tell him. It might be awkward and kind of suck, but it has to be done. I don't want to be on that end next time, where I'm stilling and waiting for a guy to call me when he isn't going to.

Again the guys thought I was crazy and they didn't believe in something like that. Regardless, I still believe in dating karma and you best believer I try my damnedest to keep mine right.

Creepy Vibe

It's been 5 days since I entered the minor leagues and things are going slow. There are a few that don't seem too bad but no one I'm head over heels for. There are for sure a LOT of creepers. Part of my wants to put a disclaimer on my profile... Please don't contact me if you would describe yourself as any one of the following things: a gamer, a weirdo, a romantic, a sci fi &/or fantasy geek, a creeper...you see where I'm going with this.

This guy (we will call him Gary) sent me the message below:

you, are, amazing. i mean, other than the fact that i like the OTHER football. ;-) I like romantic comedies and action movies and horror and sci fi and fantasy. I like plenty of cool music. I love to go out and have fun and stay in and hang out. I love road tripping and going on vacations... i love being in nature in all of it's glory... and I love being in the city too!
We are both a weird blend, and perhaps a blend of weird blends would make an AWESOME blend!

A weird blend? Seriously? Who says that? Part of me wants to email this guy back and be like, "dude, that is not the way to get a girl".

I bet I know what you're thinking, I'm too harsh and that maybe he just doesn't know how to pick up girls (clearly he doesn't, btw). But it was more than just the creepy message, it was just creepy all over. His profile gave me the creeps and all 10 (yes I said 10) photos gave me the creeps. It hard to explain but there is something that goes off inside of me that just screams creeper...do not pass go and do not even think about collecting $200.

Is He Extremely Boring or I'm a Bitch?

My friend Nichole, who I love and miss very much, sent me a blog to check out. http://lalawag.com/2010/03/23/the-two-week-rule-either-youre-boring-or-im-a-bitch/

I love this blog. Whoever this chick is, she's kinda awesome. I can SO relate to the title of this post because I am so feeling it right now. There's this guy Ken...34, average looking, police officer, seems polite/nice. I think I will call him... Mr. Officer. The tragic flaw with Mr. Officer, either he's extremely boring or I'm a bitch. We've messaged a few time back and forth, about once a day. He is very nice and has told me some (kinda boring) things about his life. In my return messages I comment on the things he's told me in his previous email and attempt to add information about myself. He doesn't really ask me questions so I'm kind of getting board. Side bar: I understand that just giving him the information might stop him from asking. Why ask for it, if I'm just giving it up? As a test, I've stopped giving information about myself. The response I got back today was asking me how I liked the weather. Seriously... the weather.

So... is he boring or am I a bitch? Only time will tell... not that I'm going to wait very long, let's be honest.

Are Smilie Faces A Deal Breaker?

Day Two in the minor leagues. Things are going ok, most of the men seem "nice" and I've been messaging with a few men. I've deleted the creepers and people who look too familiar (i.e. box boy is back and sent me a message. I didn't date you two years ago buddy, I'm not going to date you now. Bummer dude.)

There is one guy who seems promising. We have similar likes/dislikes, hobbies, he has a killer taste in music...anyway back to my point... he seems like an ok guy. This one flaw, smilie faces. He used two smilie faces, :p and :D, in his response email. Just thinking about it, I kind of cringe a little. Side bar: The last guy I dated that used smilie faces in his correspondences was Putt Putt and we all know how that turned out.

My question is... are the smilie faces a deal breaker? Am I overacting because my previous relationships with smilie face users went bad? A male friend said "real men don't use smilie faces to express their emotions". I'm not sure if I totally agree with that very sexist comment but I'm just not a fan. Thoughts?

Don’t Call It a Comeback, I’ve Been Here for Years.

After much thought (and a bottle of wine), I've decided to get back into the dating game. I had a good off season... I spent some time reflecting on my dating history and really trying to figure out what I want in a relationship. I really needed the time to clear my head and be a little selfish.

Now don't get your hopes up yet, I'm still in the perpetration stages of "my great dating comeback". I've gotta do some practicing before I really get back into the game, you know work some of the kinks out. I need to improve my small talk skills, work on not being nervous, try not to be too excited (no one likes an eager beaver). It's like being in the minor league of baseball before you got to the majors. You can make rookie mistakes in the minor leagues that you really can't afford to make in the majors (I know you are excited for a whole season of baseball analogies).

So what is the minor leagues of dating, you ask? It's free online dating. It's not nearly as scary as it sounds if used probably. Free online dating should not be used when seriously searching for a partner.The people on this site (except for me of course) aren't really quality... most don't have jobs or are just looking for a sugar mama/daddy. Its a perfect place to practice your curve ball and left-handed swing... you don't run the risk of messing things up with a potential player from the majors.

I haven't decided how long I'm going to spend in the minors but be sure I will update you on my stats.

"The Talk"

So James and I had "the talk" tonight or at least some drunken, semi-unfinished version. The bottom line was that he just wanted to be "cool" with me and not mess up what we had. He rambled on about how I was a nice girl and that he didn't want to hurt me. He said he just moved to town and wasn't ready for anything serious. He "needed to get out on his own" for awhile. I don't understand the need to sugarcoat it, dude... I get it. I mean yes I liked him but I'm not interested in messing things up with the other guys we hang with. It's still a little complicated but it always is when you involve alcohol.

I think I'm just going to stick with my "break" and see what happens. This is exactly what I needed to move on... I've been friends with men that I'm attractive to before and its worked out fine. Ok...so maybe that's a small lie, but I will really try this time. James just wasn't the one.

Sam and Betty, I need you to bring your "A" game next time.

Sleeping Alone

I've noticed recently that I've been sleeping in the middle of my bed. For the longest time I've slept on the left side of the bed. I rarely crossed over the imaginary line in the middle of my bed to the other side. The strange thing is, I'm not totally sure why. After thinking about it for a few days, I've come to the conclusion that I was training myself for the future. I was actually training myself to only sleep on one side of the bed in hopes that one day a man would be on the other side. Crazy isn't it? I don't know when I started doing it, I just know when I stopped doing it... and I love it. I'm getting the best sleep of my life. Sometimes I sleep in the middle, sometimes I sleep backwards, and sometimes I sleep diagonal.

I know this might seem trivial but it's really opened my eyes to some of the little things I do that are self destructive. Changing me sleeping habits is only the beginning.

I hate...

...the fact that I don't actually hate him or any of them for that matter. There is a long list of men in my life who I should hate, in fact, I should despise them. They are assholes who jerk women around then bolt at the fist sign of "feelings". Why can't I just let these guys go? They are like those pants you have in the back of your closet that don't fit anymore. You keep them around, sometimes for years, in hopes that one day they will fit again. Am I keeping these guys around in hopes that they "fit again"? Whoa! I just had a mini-breakthrough. We will go back to this topic later.

The "him" that inspired this post is James. I'm so over his mixed messages. We have hour long texting conversations filled with witty banter and flirty quips. I do like talking to him. I just hate the way I feel about him. I wish we never would have hooked up. I really would just like to be friends with him...but all I do is think about how I so want to be more than just friends. I am always left at the end of our conversation confused and wondering if he wants more too. I should just get up the nerve to ask him. I mean the worst thing that would happen is that he has no idea what I'm talking about and thinks I'm crazy? I mean I could be crazy but that is besides the point. How do I go back to just wanting to be friends with James? Can I ever go back? I have before but that took years.

Sidebar: Let's be real honest for a second... if that guy called and told me want to be with me... I would jump at the chance. Oh yeah, he is definitely one of those pairs of pants in the back of my closet that I wish still fit.

So...what do I do about James?

Cleaning Out My Dating Closet

I've been doing some cleaning today. I mopped my kitchen floor, did some laundry, and deleted some guys from my life.

I finally broke things off with Andy. I was nice and tactful or at least that was my intent. I told him that it seemed like we were drifting apart because we are both busy people. I followed that up with maybe if we were in different places in our lives, things could be different. Now, this is all true. We are drifting apart because I've stopped texting him back all the time. I am always busy and by "things could have been different", I mean if you weren't raciest... maybe this could have worked out. He hasn't responded but I don't really see him doing that... he doesn't like confrontation.

I'm also attempting to delete Chris from my life...again. We broke up at the end of August. It was a clean break with little drama (if you don't count that fact that he cried). I made the mistake of ripping that wound open in November when I suggested we have coffee. He said he still loved me and I said I just wanted to be friends. Well... it turns out I lied. I don't really want to be friends. We've been emailing back and forth since the coffee meeting but he's been emailing more frequently these days. I haven't quite figured out how to let him down...again...but I'm working on it. My emails are getting shorter and less frequent. I hope he's getting the idea. I'll keep you posted on this one.

Update on Marc

I thought long and hard about what to do with Marc's message. Can I really be friends with him after all this? What do I say in return? How do I really know if he changed and will be a better friend?

On Wednesday I finally decided what I was going to do. Nothing. I wasn't going to do anything. I don't have the time or energy for Marc... so I deleted the message. I haven't looked back since. Goodbye yet again Marc.

Church Girl

It turns out James wants a "church girl" and I apparently I'm not "churchy" enough for him. This is fine. Most people I know wouldn't use the word church to describe me. Nothing against church girls... I do go to church, I guess I'm just not a wholesome as normal church girls. Again this is fine. I don't want to be a church girl. I like being me. I like being a edgy while still maintaining my composure and professionalism (when needed).

I'm ok with just being friends with James. It seems we are better this way. I can make an exception to my only friends with guys I'm not attracted to rule, right? I mean I only half wish we didn't make out... he's a really great kisser.

How Do They Always Know?

I finally heard back from Marc... 21 days later. He sent me the following facebook message, subject line: Hey...

Sorry I never responded back. I honestly didn't know what to say. I can understand if you can't just be my friend, but I hope you will.

What the fuck? I am so angry. I just stopped thinking about him. I was getting over him and all of his games. I was ok with no response. I had deleted everything. I hadn't checked his facebook page in two weeks. I was moving on.

How do guys ALWAYS seem to know when you are moving on and not thinking about them 24/7? Is there a secret device men have in their head the goes off right when their ex is about to move on? This is not the first time this has happened to me and I doubt it will be the last. I really don't get it. Can someone explain it me? Where can I get one of those devices? Are they just for me?

I haven't responded back to Marc's message. All I want to do is scream at him but that is not productive and I don't want to be "that girl". I have no desire to be with him or to be his friend. I'm just trying to figure how to say that in a seemly nice way... if it even can be. One things for sure, I'm going to make him wait.

I'll keep you posted on my response.