The Burn

Do you remember one of my very first posts when I wrote about all the men I’ve dated since I moved to Dayton? At the end of that post, I mentioned two men in my life. More specifically I said this…

“Now there are two men I haven't mentioned. These men and I go way back and they are both still in my life... as friends. They live across the country from me and I often find myself wondering that if I moved back to where they are, would it work. Many of my friends don't like these two fellas and for good reason. My friends have comforted me through years of heartache & heartbreak with these guys and more than a few times they've fished me out of a bottle of cheap wine. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I will ever be fully over either of them.”

One of these men remains a friend and our communication has become less frequent over the past year. He has a great girl friend who makes him happy so I respect that. The other man and I have a strange relationship that often leaves us having the same talk over and over again. The conversation is completed and it always leaves me questioning our friendship. He says things that mess with my feeling and get my hopes us. One would think that after having the same conversation over and over again, that it wouldn’t faze me. Sadly, that’s not the case. He doesn’t want to makes promises he can’t keep. He doesn’t want to look too far into the future. He doesn’t want long distance. He doesn’t want…that’s all he says. I struggle. I want to ask him what he does want but I know what he does want doesn’t really match what I want. I would give him what he wanted, if he returned the favor. Can’t we meet in the middle? Why can’t we try? I guess I just don’t get not trying. What’s the hurt in trying? Why do we have this conversation every time I start dating again? They aren’t going to measure up to him but he doesn’t want to be with me in that way so I have to attempt to move on. I just don’t get it. I am constantly asking myself why. Is he afraid he’s going to get hurt? Ditto my friend…I’m always afraid I’m going to get hurt but I still put myself out there for him even thought I keep getting shot down.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I know better than to let him get to me. I know better than to read into what he says. I know he is just going to leave me with heartburn in the end.